oh! how righteous you are
filled with grief he said
society asks what maketh a man
i ask, what maketh a woman
for i believe is selfishness and cruelty
oh! how righteous you are
to do this with honesty
clouded with immaturity she asked
i lost feelings for you
i don't know how ?
cannot pretend no more
how righteous you are !
-siva
I have been taking an exam my whole life. First it was my past. Then my present. Now it's my future — proving that what I'm chasing is even real. I am always mid-exam, always trying to bind everything together into something that looks like a life.
Maybe that's just what it means to be a normal person. I've just added some spice to it - choosing freedom.
I could take the easy one. Find a job, clock in, clock out, relax. Nothing wrong with that life. But something in me refuses to sit still inside it. I can feel the shape of what I'm supposed to build, and it isn't finished yet.
There's no prize for proving yourself to an audience that was never watching.
There are people waiting for me. There are stages waiting for me. There's a version of me waiting for me to catch up to him. So I work harder — not because I'm behind, but because that's the deal I made with myself.
Someone dear gave up on me this week.
It doesn't even matter if I prove myself right. Either way, I loose.
This month took a dirty turn.
The people I trusted — the people I genuinely loved, and I'm not talking about one person, I'm talking about a whole lot of them — turned at the same time. All of them.
I had been holding everything together until one line shattered it. If even a single cell in my body had known this was coming, I would have braced for it. But there was no warning. There are things you carry a quiet awareness of, things you're somewhat prepared for even when they happen. This was not one of those things.
Being a musician is hard. You are judged by your own people, and eventually, they hit their limit. The ones who support you today will judge you tomorrow. Not everyone has the courage to love. Not everyone wants to do things for love. Not everyone is stubborn the way you are. They are not you.
But I thought they were.
I still don't know what happened behind the scenes. But everyone who had been around me for two years — people I worked hard for, people I loved with everything I had — decided, somewhere along the way, that I was the villain. That I was the wrong one. I was simply disowned, and not a single part of my life saw it coming.
People outside India often call it the most cultural nation on earth. Let me tell you the truth: that same culture is being burned by its own people. There's no support system for artists here — no rules, no regulations, no clear path, no infrastructure, in any field of art. You have to figure it all out yourself. Living through that has always made me believe that FF should be a place where artists don't have to live this way — where the gamble isn't the only option.
Even artists fear that gamble. Art is one kind of risk. And the real world is a different, crueler thing entirely — I've been building for both at once.
There was always a fight in front of me — one that I knew. But there was another that I never saw coming — and it happened anyway.
They say pain makes the artist. This one made me human.
Like a father torn from his children. Like a husband whose wife was taken from him. The loss was that close, that personal, that family. I broke down. The tears were inevitable. The loud cries came whether I called for them or not — for a man who used to say, proudly, "I don't cry."
I do now.
अपना दामन बचाने को
मेरा आँगन मैला करना—
गुरु ऐसे होते हैं क्या?
हूँगा मैं स्वार्थी, गोविंद,
ईर्ष्या से भरा-भया—
गुरु ऐसा कहते हैं क्या?
फ़र्ज़ था मेरा ख़िदमत करना,
जो - मैंने निभाया था।
उसी सेवा पे दोष लगाना—
गुरु ऐसा भी करते हैं क्या?
-siva
Dealing with people, running a business,
being an artist, gaining knowledge, earning money —
life happened.
I don't miss anything from my past,
this is all I ever wanted, just on a bigger scale —
eventually, that's going to happen.
Between this chaotic and unjust life around you,
something beautiful is being made, something to be proud of —
trust me, it happens.
The past few weeks have been a mix of progress and setbacks.
One music video for a client, shot and edited by February's Favourite, has been successfully completed and delivered. There was also additional work that came through - two video shoots and multiple music releases. The shoots were completed, but due to a few ego-related issues, I couldn't receive proper credit for my contribution. I have no complaints about it anymore. In the end, I believe it was their loss, not mine.
On the brighter side, I am currently in discussions with a few artists who want to record and release their music through us. It feels good to see people placing their trust in our work while I continue managing February's Favourite and everything that comes with it.
Personally, life has been a little chaotic lately. Because of a few unforeseen circumstances, I haven't been able to take my classes as regularly as I would have liked.
A week ago, I had a severe wax blockage in my ears—to the extent that I could barely hear properly. For someone working with music every day, that was genuinely frightening. Naturally, it affected my ability to mix songs. Thankfully, that issue has now been resolved, and everything is back to normal.
My voice, however, still needs attention. Between the changing weather, constant talking, and singing, it hasn't been as supportive as it should be. I need to be more conscious about my vocal health, speak only when necessary, and get my voice checked from time to time. My riyaaz has also not been as consistent as it should be, and that is entirely my responsibility. Discipline is something I need to reclaim.
Not everything has been difficult, though.
One of the biggest milestones has been Bombay Diaries. I have finally found all the principal characters for the production—Rajesh, Sunita, and the Narrator. They are currently working individually on understanding and developing their characters, and we are set to begin rehearsals next week. Seeing this project slowly come to life has been deeply satisfying.
Another milestone is something I have been waiting for, for a very long time. As planned, Sahil and I have finally started working on my original music. By the grace of God, everything has been falling into place beautifully. The first song is almost production-ready, and after one or two more sessions, we'll move into the recording stage.
क्या लिखूँ, सच कह दूँ या झूठ लिखूँ
वो पैर पड़ गया मेरे, खाने एक निवाले को।
कहता — "सुबह से कुछ नहीं खाया साहब।"
झूठ लिखूँ तो कल ही खाना चुरा के खा रहा था।
क्या लिखूँ, सच कह दूँ या झूठ लिखूँ
वो बोली — "भैया, एक चप्पल दिला दो।"
नंगे पैर चल नहीं पाते।
झूठ लिखूँ तो आज ही तपती सड़क पे कलाबाज़ियाँ दिखा रही थी।
क्या लिखूँ, सच कह दूँ या झूठ लिखूँ
वो ताली बजा के पैसा माँगे, बोले — "आशीर्वाद मिलेगा।"
कहते, तरक़्क़ी होगी, घरवाले आगे बढ़ेंगे।
झूठ कहूँ तो उसका अपना घर जूझ रहा था।
अब बोलो, क्या लिखूँ, सच लिखूँ या झूठ लिखूँ।
आँखों से जो देखा या मन से जो महसूस किया।
ये मन का देखा सच है,
या आँखों का फ़साना।
ये सच की कोई साज़िश थी,
या झूठ का कोई बहाना।
क्या लिखूँ? सच कह दूँ या झूठ लिखूँ।
— सिवा
The poem isn't really about truth vs. lie.
It's about surface vs. context.
The "jhuth" isn't a lie at all. It's the other
half of the truth.
