Either way, I loose

I have been taking an exam my whole life. First it was my past. Then my present. Now it's my future — proving that what I'm chasing is even real. I am always mid-exam, always trying to bind everything together into something that looks like a life.

Maybe that's just what it means to be a normal person. I've just added some spice to it - choosing freedom.

I could take the easy one. Find a job, clock in, clock out, relax. Nothing wrong with that life. But something in me refuses to sit still inside it. I can feel the shape of what I'm supposed to build, and it isn't finished yet.

There's no prize for proving yourself to an audience that was never watching.

There are people waiting for me. There are stages waiting for me. There's a version of me waiting for me to catch up to him. So I work harder — not because I'm behind, but because that's the deal I made with myself.

Someone dear gave up on me this week.

It doesn't even matter if I prove myself right. Either way, I loose.